Too much confusion

Sunday, 26 August 2018

Took a bit of a hiatus there. Maybe I needed that. Was also out of state for a few days, so…

Stopped looking at weather reports. Odd, since I’m concerned about it on a day-to-day level. Maybe, I think, it’s because I can’t do anything about it. Might be hot or cool or rainy or cloudy– but I still go on regardless. At least not looking at weather reports means I’m always surprised and never disappointed in predictions that never come true.

I was in St. Paul, by the way. There were some rough spots there, with the person I was visiting and our relationship. I wanted things to go better. Want isn’t enough. Things, however, ended on a positive upswing. It’s just… I could see us both falling into some of our old patterns– the same models we both know don’t work. I think we eventually realized and, knowledge being half the battle, were able to get through it. But any answers, any predictions, remain blurry.

In a sense, the line I quoted in my very first post still rings true: I’m right on the edge on this one. I don’t know what’s supposed to happen next.

On Friday, I was here:

Next, on the following day, we made the mistake of going to Mall of America. The day before, keep in mind, I was on a farm where I typically see no one for almost all of my time. I’ve gotten used to that. Then, suddenly, people everywhere. This massive space, it felt like it went on forever, and there was barely a space to go where people weren’t moving into. It was a bit much for me.

So, suddenly, I was here:

Though it kind of set things off in a poor direction, didn’t it? I could feel myself withdrawing from the crowds, becoming quiet. A certain anxiety was in the mix. I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

On a lighter note, when I first arrived, I imagined the mall was a generational spaceship. It felt like that, I swear. This giant space, sort of turning inwards on itself, no windows– nothing to see, after all, but empty space.

And nearly 13,000 parking spaces.