Scary to leave

Wednesday, 19 September 2018

Light work today. Two hours at the barn and two hours working in the house. The break is needed. Did ten to twelve hour days all last week, which is a lot for me when it’s mostly all physical. It’s also my last days on the farm. It’s clear to me now that this has been a transitional phase in my life, never meant to be a stopping point. Vitally important but temporary. I’ll be going north. To see, to see if, man, ok, to see if we can breathe life into our relationship.

Shoveled some of the last of my dirt today. Anxious to leave at this point– just want to get on with my life. At least that’s how it feels. Though I’ll miss the solitude and night walks. I’ll miss the small town up the road too. Terry the barber was the reason, the catalyst, for my homecoming attendance. During my haircut, he pushed for me to go. Hometown pride and all. We ran into each other at the game and lamented the home team’s performance over nachos.

The downside, however, of a sparsely populated area is that I’ve watched too many horror movies. I tried to go out to the barn at night, like I’ve wanted to, but I just couldn’t do it. The barn, I mean, it’s literally in the middle of a cornfield. Come on. Either a guy in a jumpsuit and hockey mask is going to turn up right behind me or there’ll be an alien abduction. It was a terrible mistake to watch Fire in the Sky as a kid.

I don’t particularly like going to the basement here. Of course, who does? But I needed to go down there early today. Doubly creepy since I’m all alone tonight. As I descended, there were noises from the far end. I muttered aloud, “Yep. Sounds about right. Obviously there’re noises.”

It didn’t slow me down. I even decided to take some pictures, realizing that I had taken none of the basement.


Above, the first room looking into the second. A third room can be found straight ahead and to the right.


Third room. Not creepy at all. Really hope it was the owner who moved the chair into the room. If not, well, I guess it would have to be the faceless old lady who secretly lives in your home.


Rest and Work

Monday, 23 July 2018

Worked today after a three-day break. Rather than refreshment after the pleasant lapse, I feel more tired than I have in a long time. I can work everyday for many days in a row and be fine. I take a rest and I’m exhausted. Work is weird. Though, to be fair, it was a long day. Almost all spent around the old barn. Mostly, I thought about this past weekend and how I’d rather be there. But now, at least, I can sit and relax.

I’ve sat and relaxed after not doing a thing all day and I’ve done it, like today, after much work. The latter certainly feels better. But that doesn’t mean the former is automatically bad. They each have their own virtues and vices. The latter, for instance, can sadly lead to self-righteousness.

The weekend went better than I could’ve planned. I was excited but also anxious as I drove to see her. What if, I thought, well, you know what, just fill in any number of bad scenarios. But we missed each other more than anything.

We did some of the little things that, if neglected, will doom a relationship. You know, going to a restaurant, having a drink after, meeting a friend, holding hands. I loved eating all that fancy food. It hadn’t occurred to me how simple my diet out on the farm has become.

And I got to spend time with these two. They love each other.

Not much of a fan of the Peanuts world (no, truth is, I absolutely hate Peanuts) but I still liked this:

He sat still with me

Saturday, 14 July 2018

The past two days were spent digging along the south side of the barn, eventually to uncover the foundation. Like my previous digging, there are sections and a sieve is used to go through the dirt. Everything is noted and cataloged. It’s time consuming but that works for me as I find the act of hurrying to be in extreme poor taste. Mostly I find mortar, rusted metals, nails, and a few pieces of ceramic used once for cooking. Later in the summer, professionals are going to do some sort of repair work to the barn’s foundation. It’s not exactly clear to me what they’ll do.

On Friday, for about twenty minutes, this little guy hung out with me. He’s about the size of a quarter and is just a baby– or perhaps an adolescent. He seemed to enjoy having a new area to explore as I dug. He also sat still with me for a bit too, just relaxing.

I don’t mind the work around the barn. There’s only me. I think about things and listen to a lot of podcasts. No customers, no clients, nobody looking over my shoulder. I mean, yeah, sometimes it sucks but it’s alright. Due to the heavy rain last night I couldn’t go out there today– though I wanted to. So instead I did some stuff around the house– only about five or six hours in total. But I prefer being on my own, even if the work is harder.

These aren’t necessarily my all-time favorites but they’re some of what I’ve been listening to lately when digging and whatnot:

-Ars Paradoxica
-Astonishing Legends
-EOS 10
-The NoSleep Podcast
-Tides of History
-Welcome to Nightvale


Monday, 28 May 2018.

Heat and bad thoughts kept me up last night. Getting up at 5am was my goal but at somepoint I switched that to 6am. Around 7:30 I became aware of my alarm. Turned it off and slept till 10.

Packed up my things and went right to the old barn: Gloves, hat, water, etc.

I wanted to get up early to beat the heat, as they say. It wasn’t too bad though. I took plenty of breaks. Ultimately, this allows me to get more done as I don’t become exhausted. Spent hours pushing the mower about. It’s not the most effective device and I think tomorrow I’ll take the scythe with me.



Later I planted things.

A nice thing about this work is that it stands before me in a simple way. I think it’s helping me to avoid the pitfalls around me. The plants and animals, I mean, they don’t care about my resume or my less than stellar work history. Maybe I’ve given enough thought to failure for one lifetime. Feels that way at least.

Been considering the Fermi Paradox.

Once certain inevitable breakthroughs are made on the road to intergalactic travel, colonization is made pointless in that it would yield nothing that couldn’t already be created with free and infinite energy.

Exploration is not the same as colonization.

Hawking has reasoned that we will alter our DNA so as to remove the old aggressions and such. If we are to survive that is. If we apply that to other ascending intelligences then they must also be peaceful if they themselves are ever to survive long enough to meet us. Violent civilizations will never live long enough to colonize any large number of alien civilizations.

I’m making huge assumptions, of course.

But still, what would be the point of being a violent and advanced civilization? What could they possibly gain from war?


I’ve been living in an 1874 farmhouse. On a farm. In Iowa.

Fairly recently.

I’m helping to restore and repair the farmhouse itself as well as the old barn. I’m doing a lot in the dirt and the fields too. Using a grim reaper scythe is now something I know how to do.

Here will be my thoughts and feelings as I live day to day. I’ll also explain how I got here and why. Perhaps I will catch a glimpse of where I’m heading, too, as I currently have no idea. A quote from a favorite movie (Life Aquatic): “I’m right on the edge on this one. I don’t know what’s supposed to happen next.”